Gilgamesh Plays With Dolls
by Deviate's Fish
Summary: Well, you know they are dolls. But he gets offended if you call them that. So call them 'plastic action figures' instead, thank you very much.


Gilgamesh Plays With Dolls

…

It was a warm summer afternoon at the Emiya compound.

Having learned much of the art of combat under the Saber's tutelage, Emiya Shirou deftly dodged another one of Taiga's strikes. He surged forward like a rampaging rhino and knocked the older woman onto her shapely posterior. Panting from these hours of exertion, he reached downwards and grasped Taiga's wrists.

Then they started making out. Their bodies entwined in coarse motions as their uniforms became undone and spread all over the dojo floor. The cicadas were chirping loudly outside as Shirou and Taiga began moaning and grunting.

"Oh, Shirou," Taiga sighed contently as she nuzzled the metal joints that made Shirou's arms bend in strange ways. "We have to make sure… no one can ever find out about our forbidden teacher-on-student love!"

"Faker agrees!" Shirou said as he began to turn his attentions to Taiga's supple thighs. "No one must know that this Faker is in love with a no-good, freeloading mongrel! Faker's bar would be devastated by this!"

"Yes, that's exactly it," Taiga replied as she began to undress the rest of Shirou's clothes off of him with her teeth, "My career as an educator would be destroyed if I, the unsightly mongrel who is unfit to stand in the King of Heroes' sight, were to be known to frolic with a common sword thief!"

"Oh, harder! Talk dirtier to this Faker! This Faker has no honor or dignity!"

And then they made disgusting rutting noises that dogs would make when they procreated. _Bark, bark, bark._

…

"Uh, golden boy, what are you doing?" Lancer asked hesitantly.

Gilgamesh nearly jumped out of his skin in a manner that would have been most unfit for a king. Thankfully for his dignity, he didn't. Instead, he shrieked like a little girl, before hiding a certain pair of plastic toys under his bed.

"Nothing!" He replied shrilly before calming himself down enough to act in the character of a douche bag, "I was doing nothing at all, you foolish mongrel! I wasn't playing with plastic models of stupid mongrels so below me that they would be less worth my notice than even the dirt at my feet!"

Lancer's mouth opened slightly before he looked away. Any sounds he made were covered up with several rather loud coughs. "Do you really have to do it on my bed, goldie? Ya know, this isn't the first time this happened either. The way you hold grudges is kind of sad, you know?"

"Enough, mongrel," Gilgamesh ran a hand through his immaculate hair that shone even brighter than vampire sparkles, "Everything in this world is mine, I do what I like." The he snorted in false calm, "It isn't a big deal anyway. Generals play with their models all the time. Were you actually lucky, you would have found me on your bed mast—"

"I am not hearing this!" Lancer groaned as he looked away from Gilgamesh, who seemed to be posing on his bed.

"Remember that one time Kotomine had to change your bed sheets? What was the name on your lips? Baz—"

Lancer frowned, "When was tha—"

"Or how about that time Kotomine—" Gilgamesh cut in strategically.

"I'LL SEE YOU LATER!" Lancer made a hasty tactical withdrawal. It wasn't a retreat, damn it!

Gilgamesh smirked smugly before turning back to his dolls, "Now then…"

…

"Leave those skanks and the beloved Saber, Shirou! Come join my family and we can all be a household of mongrels scrapping around for leftovers from our betters!"

"But…" Shirou gasped, pulling away from Taiga. "The Emiya household is this Faker's home! It was my father's home too, even though he was a stupid, no-good magus who to the beautiful Saber did the most heinous of sins, to not order her to love the mighty King of Heroes. Still, I shouldn't leave this place since I, a mere Faker, had been brutally defeated by the awesome might of the most beautiful, most dignified, most awesome, most handsome, most powerful, most kingly King of Heroes! Now I must spend my days wallowing in the pathetic stool that is this Faker's own fake feces, which are also the Faker's favorite food. Faker, faker, faker. _Bark_."

"But, Shirou," Taiga asked sadly, "What about us?"

"This student-teacher romance can never be!" Shirou turned away from his teacher and stared into the sunset, eyes full of pathetic tears, "This Faker is too pathetic and stupid to be worthy of any Saber, and you're just a fat freeloader."

"But…" Taiga replied, tears in her eyes too, "I don't have to be a freeloader! I could be a productive member of society! I could… I could even become a Faker like you, and dress up like the most majestic and most awesome King of Heroes who owns the world and commands the greatest treasury ever known!"

"Could you… could you really do that?" Shirou asked between his mongrel sobs, "Would you become a Faker for a Fa—"

…

"I had to see it to believe it," a distant voice drawled out from the door of the basement. It was followed by several dainty steps down the stairs. Gilgamesh looked up and saw Tohsaka Rin staring at the plastic toys in his hands before he could hide them.

"Mongrel!" Gilgamesh growled like a dog, "What are you doing here?"

Rin strutted over like a cat that just caught a canary, "Oh, nothing, just here to ask my mentor to help me with my little sister's ah… penis worm infestation." She smirked in a way that just made Gilgamesh want to kill something, "And what exactly are you doing, oh King of Heroes?" She asked sarcastically.

"Nothing!" Gilgamesh lied. It wouldn't do for this mongrel spawn of Tohsaka to report back to his beloved Saber, after all.

"Well, from where I was standing, it looked like you were playing with dolls, Kogil."

"They're war simulation models!" Gilgamesh retorted hastily, not bothering to correct the infuriating woman.

Rin smirked wider. Then she tried to cover up a laugh, which came out like a cough, but then she devolved into a fit of laughter too hard for her to contain. "Oh, Gilgamesh, playing with dolls?" At his glare, she laughed harder and added, "Oh, excuse me, I meant 'war simulation models'!" She continued to laugh and ignored the glare from Gilgamesh that promised death.

"Oh, wait until I tell Saber," Rin wiped a tear out of her eyes before walking out of the basement. "Dolls…"

At that moment, Gilgamesh harrumphed majestically before reaching under Lancer's bed for a different doll…

…

It was a rainy day in Fuyuki City, but that didn't matter. Emiya 'Faker' Shirou was visiting the Tohsaka Mansion on the request of his friend, Tohsaka Rin. He was oblivious as to why she called for him to come over, so soon after that debacle in the Einzbern Forest. It must have been important.

"Shirou," Tohsaka Rin cried as she fondled the plastic parts of Emiya Shirou which were supposed to be swords coming out of his skin. "Ever since that night, I've felt something for you. But I always thought you were into little girls, you incestuous Faker!"

"Herp derp, this Faker is stupid!" Shirou replied as he started to sniffle up Rin's skirt, "People die when they are killed!"

"This is so much better than pleasuring myself thinking about my Fake Archer!" Rin gasped loudly.

"HERE COMES THE FAKER TRAIN!" Shirou yelled suddenly as his pants fell to the floor. "CHOO CHOO!"

"Yes, give it to me Shirou, I love quick, unsatisfying se—"

…

"Okay, now I'm a little freaked out," Lancer yelped when the toys suddenly popped out of Gilgamesh's hands and slapped against his forehead. "You need to see a psychiatrist, man."

"Uh…" Gilgamesh looked like a deer in headlights, seeing a very unhappy looking Tohsaka Rin standing just behind Lancer. She looked like she was trying to call someone. "I can explain, Tohsaka spawn, look…"

Lancer sighed.

He was a bro. That means helping out jerkbags like Gilgamesh just as well as any other man. It was the duty of a bro to aid his fellow men in their pursuit of fine alcohols, fine treasures, and fine women. He would help even someone who was least like a bro like Gilgamesh. Because he was a bro.

Lancer sighed again and began picking up the plastic pieces that used to make up two action figures. One of them had been a badly painted doll with a blue and white shirt and red-orange hair. The other was a doll with two pony tails and a rather risqué skirt and a red sweater. It was pretty simple to put them back together, which Lancer did. Then he set them down gently next to Gilgamesh. Gilgamesh looked like he was on the verge of sobbing.

Sighing one last time, Lancer ran a hand through his hair and commented, "Man, you've gotten really weird since Shirou dumped you."


End file.
